looong entry.
2007-09-28 at 11:32 p.m.
So I went out with those two last night, and i totally had a blast. it was a great place to go drink and get high/drunk, and the company was great, as always. it was a great night, fun, and illuminating as well. booze is really just a part of it. there was also dancing (yes, i drank quite a bit), a leetle bit of stumbling around, more dancing, serious and some not-so-serious conversation, and greasy, caloric food. har kow, siew mai, fried tofu, fried shrimp things, youtiao, tauhuay. yupyup, i had fun. got back at like 530, slept for a couple of hours, then hauled my ass down to the bugis national lib to actually get started on working. thank goodness i don't get hungover, or i'd have wasted two days instead of one. or..7 days instead of 6....
BUT! today was pretty productive, managed to 'annotate' the sequence for the film essay, and got started on a bit of the intro. i haven't written an essay in so long that i am seriously rusty. plus, being the fool that i am, i forgot to bring my bleddy charger, so i had to stop after awhile. so i moved on to film readings, and actually got a significant bit done. my attention span is really terrendous, i don't seem to be able to read an entire reading all the way through. i read to about 60%, then i figure, ok, i see the argument, why is this dude still going onnnn?? then i move on.
heh.
maybe i'm just a smart alec, like my teachers all told me.
but ANYWAY. that wasn't reallly what i wanted to blog about!!! conversations we had yesterday have really got me thinking, and i really think (yes yes, repetitous, bear with me, rusty, remember?) that i have seriously 'mellowed' since SC. or maybe it's just that i've become more socialised. there are things i want to say or do, that four years ago, i would have done without batting an eyelash, that i don't do anymore. all this thinking about consequences and all. and i really don't like the person i've become, in this sense.
i miss Yu Ying, the person who didn't care if you knew she didn't like you. the person who could have 'fights' with people, even her closest friends, and was unafraid to let the whole damn world know. i remember when i had a huge fight with jint—ok, actually i don't remember the fight itself, i just remember not talking to her—and everyone just dealt with it. we all even continued eating lunch together, jint and i just sat further away from each other. i didn't give a shit if people were pissed off at me, and i made damn sure people knew when i was pissed off at them. as arrogant as that sounds, i prefer that me. I hate this me—"yy"—this pansy-assed wuss hiding behind courtesy and 'consideration' and social-fucking-graces. i hate this. i hate people who say things they don't mean, and don't say things they mean, and i've become one of them. i'm sick of this.
"fuck this victim shit", as i read somewhere. why do i need to care if what i say is going to hurt your feelings or create an awkward silence? i used to say that i wouldn't candy coat my words or my attitude because i didn't want to spend my life coddling people's fragile emotions—if you couldn't handle what i was like, you could jolly well 'don't friend' me, you could tell all your loser friends to hate me, make vodoo dolls of me, whatever.
and now? now i hate this part of me.